Thank you~

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There will come a day
when your tears of sorrow
will softly flow into tears of remembrance...
and grieving will be interrupted by episodes of joy...
and you will hear the whisper of hope.

There will come a day
when you will welcome the tears of remembrance...
as a sunshower of the soul...
a turning of the tide...
a promise of peace.

There will come a day when you will...
risk loving...
go on believing...
and treasure the tears of remembering.

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Thank you T & H for the lovely and meaningful poem.
Thank you all my friends for the encouraging words.
Thank you everyone for the care and concern during my difficult times.
Though pain heals but hurt lingers, i am still doing very fine.
Appreciate lots...

Life has to go on...

It's like a dream to me now...It has never come across my mind that this will happen to me. We have been very optimistic and looking forward to the arrival of our little one after the first trimester. We looked around for mummy stuffs, asked friends for lobangs and reading up forum, exploring on baby stuffs when we went shopping...

Everything happens when i went to the toilet and feel something bulging out from below. It feels like a translucent balloon protruding on the surface. I began to panic and asked hubby to look at it, and he have the same description on what i have seen and feel. I was so worried and almost cried. Immediately, hubby contacted our gynea through the hospital hotline. He was uncontactable but returned call about 1-2 hrs later. I explained to my gynea and he was unable to tell as they need to see and examine before making any conclusions. He adviced me to go to the 24hrs emergency department shall i feel unusual. Trying to calm ourselves down, i went to lie back on the bed and hubby says that he could not see the bulge there anymore. We were relieved for a while and decided to monitor first.

At night, i visited the toilet again. I noticed some very light brownish discharge and thought it was normal. However, before going to bed around 1am, i went to the toilet and saw some streak of blood when i wiped. I called for hubby and began to worry and sobbed. Hubby called for cab and we went straight down to the hospital emergency department.

The doctor on duty did an ultrasound for me and told me that my womb has dilated to 4cm, and its a very early impending miscarriage. My heart sank. I was to be hospitalised immediately. I sobbed and could not accept the fact, but was still giving ourselves some hope for the next morning consultation on what can be done. On 28 Nov (Fri), the consultants came to brief on my condition. We were given 3 choices:

1) To lie and wait to see what will happen
2) To perform cerclage
(Due to my cervical incompetency)
3) To terminate the pregnancy

The decision was really tough for us. We would very like to try for option 2 but as our baby is only at 20 weeks, the chances of having a healthy and full term baby is low, and the balloon thing that bulges out is actually the waterbag. Even if to push back the waterbag and stitch the womb, there may be high chance of breaking the water bag. And if the stitching is successful, it may only last to an average of 6-8weeks. The baby is far too premature. Finally, we came to a decision to terminate the pregnancy the next day.

On 29 Nov(Sat), 11.15am, my gynea came, he feel sorry for us and asked for our final decision before inserting in the tablet to aid in my contraction to deliver the baby naturally through vaginal. Tablet was inserted, i cried again. Contraction came on and off and finally, waterbag burst and baby was out after approximately 2hrs later. I was feeling okay until hubby was back from seeing our baby girl. She was a beautiful baby, about an elbow-length and everything looks perfect on the exterior - the eyes, nose, mouth and everything was formed. Hubby went to see baby the 2nd time when i was asking for the description. This time i cried hard but controlled myself. Hubby mentioned that he seems to see the baby inhaling through the lung once before the box was closed. I broke down again. I feel that its my fault that i was not able to hold my baby. She was so beautiful and was alive but we have to give up on her. It was heart-wrenching. I have no courage to see her either, what a lousy mum...Weep weep~

Throughout the stay at the hospital, i cried myself to sleep. It was an emotional trauma for me and hubby. Hubby has been great too, this is the first time i've seen him crying hard. He has supported me emotionally and physically. He has taken a week's leave to do confinement for me at home. I really love and appreciate him. We are recovering and getting better now, hubby has been a pillar of support and i think this really gives us a stronger bond.

Life has to go on and we hope our future pregnancies will be smooth ones....

We are sorry to our baby girl, may she be happy in her world and come back to us as our baby girl again in our next pregnancy.

You will always be our darling girl. Daddy & Mummy loves you.