100 days

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/todorrovic/2055706526/page2/

Who is a leader?

Was having my lunch at my office desk when i read this on my calendar:

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"A Leader is best when people barely know he exists, when his work is done, his aim fulfilled, they will say: We did it ourselves." - Lao Tzu

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"We" means the members or the leader?

A leader can have many members helping in his work, but claims the credit. A member can have many leaders but only claims the debit.

Perhaps the phrase means Members = REAL Leaders

hehe ~

Smiles, laughs...

There may be smiles and laughters, but it has never been the same again. Smiles are merely courtesy and laughters are on the surface. Laughters are not as heartily as before and there is always a tinge of sadness after the laugh.

Am happy to hear news about others' pregnancy but its also painful at the same time. Envious is the first word that came to mind when chance upon them. I used to be the envious lot but now i wasn't.

I miss the stages and i miss my previous self...

Thank you~

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There will come a day
when your tears of sorrow
will softly flow into tears of remembrance...
and grieving will be interrupted by episodes of joy...
and you will hear the whisper of hope.

There will come a day
when you will welcome the tears of remembrance...
as a sunshower of the soul...
a turning of the tide...
a promise of peace.

There will come a day when you will...
risk loving...
go on believing...
and treasure the tears of remembering.

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Thank you T & H for the lovely and meaningful poem.
Thank you all my friends for the encouraging words.
Thank you everyone for the care and concern during my difficult times.
Though pain heals but hurt lingers, i am still doing very fine.
Appreciate lots...

Life has to go on...

It's like a dream to me now...It has never come across my mind that this will happen to me. We have been very optimistic and looking forward to the arrival of our little one after the first trimester. We looked around for mummy stuffs, asked friends for lobangs and reading up forum, exploring on baby stuffs when we went shopping...

Everything happens when i went to the toilet and feel something bulging out from below. It feels like a translucent balloon protruding on the surface. I began to panic and asked hubby to look at it, and he have the same description on what i have seen and feel. I was so worried and almost cried. Immediately, hubby contacted our gynea through the hospital hotline. He was uncontactable but returned call about 1-2 hrs later. I explained to my gynea and he was unable to tell as they need to see and examine before making any conclusions. He adviced me to go to the 24hrs emergency department shall i feel unusual. Trying to calm ourselves down, i went to lie back on the bed and hubby says that he could not see the bulge there anymore. We were relieved for a while and decided to monitor first.

At night, i visited the toilet again. I noticed some very light brownish discharge and thought it was normal. However, before going to bed around 1am, i went to the toilet and saw some streak of blood when i wiped. I called for hubby and began to worry and sobbed. Hubby called for cab and we went straight down to the hospital emergency department.

The doctor on duty did an ultrasound for me and told me that my womb has dilated to 4cm, and its a very early impending miscarriage. My heart sank. I was to be hospitalised immediately. I sobbed and could not accept the fact, but was still giving ourselves some hope for the next morning consultation on what can be done. On 28 Nov (Fri), the consultants came to brief on my condition. We were given 3 choices:

1) To lie and wait to see what will happen
2) To perform cerclage
(Due to my cervical incompetency)
3) To terminate the pregnancy

The decision was really tough for us. We would very like to try for option 2 but as our baby is only at 20 weeks, the chances of having a healthy and full term baby is low, and the balloon thing that bulges out is actually the waterbag. Even if to push back the waterbag and stitch the womb, there may be high chance of breaking the water bag. And if the stitching is successful, it may only last to an average of 6-8weeks. The baby is far too premature. Finally, we came to a decision to terminate the pregnancy the next day.

On 29 Nov(Sat), 11.15am, my gynea came, he feel sorry for us and asked for our final decision before inserting in the tablet to aid in my contraction to deliver the baby naturally through vaginal. Tablet was inserted, i cried again. Contraction came on and off and finally, waterbag burst and baby was out after approximately 2hrs later. I was feeling okay until hubby was back from seeing our baby girl. She was a beautiful baby, about an elbow-length and everything looks perfect on the exterior - the eyes, nose, mouth and everything was formed. Hubby went to see baby the 2nd time when i was asking for the description. This time i cried hard but controlled myself. Hubby mentioned that he seems to see the baby inhaling through the lung once before the box was closed. I broke down again. I feel that its my fault that i was not able to hold my baby. She was so beautiful and was alive but we have to give up on her. It was heart-wrenching. I have no courage to see her either, what a lousy mum...Weep weep~

Throughout the stay at the hospital, i cried myself to sleep. It was an emotional trauma for me and hubby. Hubby has been great too, this is the first time i've seen him crying hard. He has supported me emotionally and physically. He has taken a week's leave to do confinement for me at home. I really love and appreciate him. We are recovering and getting better now, hubby has been a pillar of support and i think this really gives us a stronger bond.

Life has to go on and we hope our future pregnancies will be smooth ones....

We are sorry to our baby girl, may she be happy in her world and come back to us as our baby girl again in our next pregnancy.

You will always be our darling girl. Daddy & Mummy loves you.

Long weekend~

Let's have a quick short update for my weekend again.

Sat: Congrats Fiona & Dominic!
Had a long walk from my place to Fiona's home for her bb full month celebration. BB Kayla is so cute, she looks like her jie jie Kimberly when she was a baby. She is deem to look as lovely as her jie jie when she grows up.
Catch up with some old sec schoolmate and it's nice to update one another after a long long time...Left fiona's place around 7.00pm and proceed to JP by bus, as we need to get groceries for the week...

Sun: Hubby got to work so settled lunch myself. Had sandwich and milk for lunch but cooked a pack of instant mee to eat again to satisfy my hunger, so guilty..=P
Ironed clothes, watched tv, relax abit before i start some housework in the later afternoon. Randomly sweep the masterbedroom and living room, clean and washed the kitchen top + stove and clean the rack while i still got the energy+motivation now. 'Cos if i don't take the first step to start doing, i will never do it again! So dirty~

Mon: wOw busy busy day cooking for lunch and dinner. In-law came over for dinner and got to prepare the dishes and cut the fruits when they arrive. So many pots and pans to wash but luckily hubby was there to help with the dishes after the dinner. I have prepared lor ba, carrot potatoes soup and stir fry cabbage + hubby bought roasted Johnson duck from our nearby coffeeshop + MIL brought home-made thai style salad (very nice!) and fruits. Day ended at 9.00pm, went to bathe and watched the last episode of "Ding Dang Shen Tan". Tired tired day~ but in the end did not have a good night sleep as hubby was on night duty. Tossing and turning on the bed from 11+ to 12+am, went to charged my handphone instead..tossing & turning again, not sure if i have sleep in between, awaken up at 2.30am..ok just nice, off my handphone charger, read some magazines before i finally go back to sleep, but not a good one. Ended up with headache and bad aches in the next morning. Hope hubby no night duty again! >_<

Weekend~

Had a busy weekend...and seems to have spent quite alot for those events~~

Sat, 18 Oct: An invitation to buddy's housewarming
Phew... it's only 3 blocks + 1 road away from my home, hehe.. Prepared and have lunch at home before leaving to her new crib at 2.15pm.
Finally met up with cindy @ su's place after no-contact for a few months, haha..still as slim as ever, but did not managed to catch up alot as it's only an hour meeting there. Hope to catch up more in our next meeting yeah, cindy?
Although with the odd layout of the living room, it still looks very cosy with the featured wall, partitioned wall, the lightings and the wallpapers in the bedroom, cool...too bad did not take any pics of it, but you can see a brief intro in her blog.

Left her home at around 4pm, we took a cab and went to my in-laws home. Just spend some time hanging around in their home and surfing net with SIL. While surfing, MIL was preparing dinner in the kitchen. Don't know why that day it does not cross my mind to help her out which i normally will..Oops, is it because we are too engross in surfing or am i too tired or simply lazy? Oops, feel so guilty after that, but i helped to wash up the dishes as usual. ;p

7pm: Borrowed van from FIL before we proceed to our dinner at Jurong Country Club. It was my "Sa Jim Bo" (Hokkien), which is my grand-dad's brother's wife 80th birthday celebration at Fu Lin Men Chinese Restaurant. wOw, i'm glad we borrowed van from FIL, it's quite a distance to walk from the bus stop at Science Centre!
So paiseh to see many of my relatives there as we don't have a habit of visiting each other during CNYs. And i only know smiling and 'hi-ing' to them, hahaa...how to teach our children to greet them when we don't even know it ourselves?? =x
Overall, the dinner was so-so, "Sa Jim Bo" still looks very strong and healthy at her age. The entertainment show is quite interactive but just that the speaker is too loud throughout, causing hubby to have headache after that. This is the 2nd time attending such celebration and i think i dread attending elderly birthday celebration now, as the songs are all foreign to us and especially loud like ge-tais.. >_< The event ended at around 10.30pm and we drop dead onto our bed straight after our bath. Home sweet home!!!

Sun, 19 Oct: Meeting up friends + Dinner
As usual, prepared and have lunch at home first before meeting our friends at Holland Village Coffee Club @1.30pm. Woo, received a red bomb from one of our friends. He is getting married on 27 Nov, another angbao gone from us, hahaa..However, it's still a happy occasion to celebrate. =) Those groups are hubby's friends since his secondary days. It's great to see good friends gathering once in a while although each and everyone has their own family life. It's really the type of friendship which i think one should have. Nice chat with all of them and we separated at around 5pm.
Hubby and i went to Jack's Place for dinner to use our $15 dinner voucher. Still need to top up around $30 for our meal, voucher is a gimmick! haaa...
Went to return van and took cab back again. Home sweet home again. I love my home! hehee...